Review: Tidying Up With Marie Kondo (Netflix)

As of January 1st, the KonMari method of cleaning has been everywhere in discussion.  Even the New Yorker has published a review of the show.  And because of that I have hesistated to add my voice to the cacophony. 

There's been some backlash too.  What I've seen has taken the form of memes.   "30 books?  You mean in each subject, right?" 

But Marie Kondo is not a totalitarian dictator gliding into your house and commanding you to divest yourself of all the things she thinks should go.  Instead, my impression of Marie Kondo is of a woman of unshakable patience and generosity of spirit.  There is no judgement in her eyes as she opens drawer after drawer crammed full of broken useless things.  There is wonder and joy on her face as she leaps, with her whole body, into a two car garage so full of junk that there's only a small pathway to the middle, and no room to move otherwise.  There is no hint of disapproval as a grown man admits that he's got over 150 pairs of shoes, most of which he has never even tried on, and still none when he decides to keep 40 to 50 of them by the end of the process. 

Kondo is an anmie girl given flesh.  Her style, hair cut, and manner are straight out of any one of a number of animes starring school girls with super powers.  In this case - her super power is the ability to inspire people to rid themselves of emotional weight.  And that is what she does - every one of her clients has more problems facing them than just "too much clutter".  A husband and wife who barely talk, a lesbian couple who (though married) still see a delineation between "what's mine and what's hers", a family who depends entirely on their mother to do everything - all the cooking, cleaning etc, a couple who just want to be seen as adults for the first time. 

I found the first half of each episode frustrating and anxiety laden.  Everyone is on their very best behavior for the cameras, but, it's clear that - in every episode - there's at least one person who is not on board.  The struggle is the point of course.  By the end of every episode the house is cleaner, there is less stuff, everything is folded into thirds and standing up and there are cute little boxes in most drawers... but the biggest change is the way the people talk to each other. 

Each episode has a number of confessional moments.  You've seen these on every reality show since the beginning of time - all the way back to "MTV's Real World".  And through these confessionals we see their personal struggle, hear their aired grievances with their spouse or children or the method itself, but we also see their break-through moment.  Sometimes they come to it independently, but, more often it is a quiet conversation with Marie about some small object they are reluctant to get rid of.  She never encourages them to let go of it, but, instead asks why they're keeping it.  Sometimes they decide to keep the items - and in that case Marie helps them find a way to honor the item in a way that shows how special it is - but most times it is a moment of epiphany, where they understand and accept that letting go of objects doesn't mean letting go of the memory attached to those objects.

I think my most major objection to the KonMari method is Marie's insistance that it works for everyone equally.  She insists that you must see your enormous pile of clothing or papers or shoes to truly understand how much stuff you have.  You must parade the elephant out so that (even though you're going to eat it a bite at a time) you can truly understand how much you have to eat. 

As someone who has battled Anxiety and Depression for the majority of my adult life I know that would spark a massive panic attack.  I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that, and, I'm just as sure that my neurodivergent clients wouldn't be able to tackle that as homework without a similar reaction. 

That is not to say there aren't merits to seeing all of a category of items, but, I'm also not sure I agree with her categories.  They are:

• Clothing
• Sure, okay.  That's a full category that deserves your specific attention. 
• Books
• Again, sure!  Let's really focus on which books we want to keep and which are just taking up space.
• Papers
• Yes.  Totally.  Let's give all our documents the attneion they diserve. 
• Komono
• Mischelanous items.  Everything from your kitchen to your garage and all the stuff not covered by any other category... wait, what?  
• Sentimental 
• Yes.   That makes sense... wait, no go back?  You want me to sort my kitchen and my garage and all my kids toys all in one category?   The hell you say! 

The hell you say.

As a former Chef, my kitchen is a sacred place.  It deserves it's own category.  My garage is not just a storage room, it's a work space, and a play space!  It deserves it's own category!  Electronics are not miscelenous items.  That deserves a category.  I totally understand that it's important to simplify the process - but Komono goes too far.  So, while I do agree that most other methods are also incomplete in their scope or implementation and she has hit on solutions to several problems that people often run into with tidying... the KonMari method is not for everyone. 

The show, all the people on it, and her book all talk about it as though going through this process once is going to change your life forever.  She talks, especially in her book, about how this method is a final solution to all your tidying problems; that once completed you'll never have to tidy again.

And this is where the KonMari method fails. 

The KonMari Method uses the concept of objects having homes.  This is not a new concept for my house.  I've been using this exact terminology for most of my adult life; it's a good turn of phrase and I'm glad Marie Kondo is making popular enough that people stop looking at me like I'm crazed when I ask things like "Where do your spatulas live?"

But, no method, not even the KonMari method is able to compete with a toddler.  Even if my child's toys all have homes to go to, at the end of the day they're scattered across the house like the detritus of war.  And yes, I do encourage him to put things away - to put a toy back before he takes out another - but he's three.  So, every night I or my husband spend 20 minutes putting it all back where it goes.  Because he's three. 

If you're interested in being inspired to declutter and organize your home it's worth a watch.  I have taken from the show the things I feel are useful, but, I'm going to discard those parts of the method that don't bring me joy and I invite you to do the same.

I'd give it a really solid 4 Stars out of 5. 

Christmas Eve Is Over, Mom

I have a son who is three.

Three has advantages and disadvantages for both the child and the parent, when it comes to orgnization and clutter.

The advantages of having a toddler when you're trying to keep a clean, orderly house are sometimes difficult to find.  It does sometimes seem like all he does is make a mess and collect more and more stuff.  And he does... but so much of it is transitory, temporary and easily let go of.   Sometimes it seems like he's only ever messy, loud, demanding and disorganized.

The day after Christmas I came downstairs to find all of the lights turned off on the tree.  Without thinking about it, I turned them back on. They were cheery and fun and since we just moved into our house we lack a lot of the cheery, fun, art I normally have up in my living room.

Later that night I saw the lights were off, again.  And turned them on.  This little dance happened for two more days and I asked my husband about it.  He did say he had turned off the outside lights, but hadn't touched the tree.  So I asked my son about it.  At first he seemed reluctant to answer, but when I explaind that I was just making sure someone was doing it for a reason he all but rolled his eyes at me and huffed "It's not Christmas Eve anymore, Mom!"

I couldn't help but laugh.  It was the most true statement.  And it made me realize that when it comes to holiday decorating I'm usually pretty quick to remove things and move back into "normal" decorations for the house.  Heck, on November 1st all my Halloween Decorations (and there are a seriously inordinate amount of them) come down and get packed away within a week, or as soon as they're dry again.

That's his metric.  That's his expectation.  So, obviously, we turn the tree lights off the day after Christmas.  Duh, Mom.   It's moments like this that help me remember that it will pay off to keep doing what I'm doing - modeling behaviors I want him to emulate. 

Now, if I could just get him to fold his clothes or actually put his toys away... he'd be the perfect child.  Oh, wait... perfect children don't exsist. 

New Year, New You, NO THANKS!

I don't do resolutions. 

If you do - great!  How are they working out for you?  I'd love to hear how you make them work for you.

Me?  I don't think they're healthy.  I feel like people set themselves up for failure with their resolutions.  They get too specific and too ambitious.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I think it's good to be both specific AND ambitious with your goals.

But it's important to also be realistic about what you're capable of and kind to yourself in the process. 

So, a few years ago I stopped doing resolutions.  Instead, I work on a statement of purpose for the year. 

One year my statement of purpose was "Let Go Or Be Dragged."  It was a year I had a lot of stuff from my past, but recent and ancient, that was still hurting me.  I spent all year working on letting go of it, figuring out why I was holding on to it, and, keeping only what was useful.  Some of the things that were painful were useful in that they taught me important lessons, about myself and about the people in my life.

Another year I wanted to learn to be more flexible.  Last year I needed to move forward out of a place, and a job, where I had grown comfortably bored.  In a conversation I had with a coworker he said to me "You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take"  And that became my guiding priciple for 2018. 

I took a lot of risks.  I took a job that was a massive pay increase and an hour long commute, and, lost it.  I took another job shortly after that which was also a massive pay increase and much closer to home.  Both jobs were in my previous profession, and were what I thought I wanted, but... turned out were not at all what I needed. 

And that's where I think people go wrong with Resolutions.  They make resolutions for things they want - not things they need.

Last year I needed a change.  I was bored, and restless, and had lost the spark of passion that sustained me through how hard my previous carreer was.  It took me most of a year to understand that I needed to be done cooking professionally.  I needed a bigger change than a new job could offer me.  So, I took a leap into the unknown.  Because you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. 

I'm still at the very start of this new shot.  So far it's scary, because there's a lot of unknowns but it's also exciting and fulfilling and deeply rewarding. 

My non-resolution for the coming year is to build.  "If You Build It, They Will Come"  I guess is the quote that most accurately encapsulates my hopes for the New Year.  I'm starting a new business, I'm working on helping people get their Poop In a Group in their lives, but, am also working on getting my own Poop in a Group - because no one has it all together, and anyone who tells you that they do is just lying right to your face.

We've been through a lot of rough changes in the past year.  Finacial ups and downs (did I mention I changed jobs multiple times?), moving houses, potty training.  Oy.  I don't know that the Chaos is at an end, but, I'm going to keep moving forward.  I'm going to keep building things up. 

My toddler likes to play with blocks - any kind of blocks, from Lego to Mega to old style wood blocks.  He loves to build towers.  But once they're built he LOVES to knock them down.  We call it the cycle of blocks.  You can't play with the blocks if they're just standing there as a monumunt to that one time you built a tower.  You need those blocks.  And that's true in life too - no matter is ever created or destroyed.  Just redistributed. 

So, in the coming year I will be picking up my blocks and building a whole new tower. 

The Good Kind of Clutter

It is the day after Christmas and my house is wrecked.

Unless you've got a live in maid staff or live in a fairy tale dream land where woodland creatures do the picking up then I'm betting that (even if you have no children) your house is wrecked too.

It's okay for your house to be wrecked right now.  I'm sitting here in my normally pulled together living room and there are toys strewn in every open space in the living room.  Toys and garbage.  No, I mean real actual garbage; there is torn and crumpled wrappign paper, destroyed boxes that toys came in, bits of plastic that tied those toys into packaging, shrink wrap (seriosuly, why is there so much shrink wrap on these toys??), cardboard and... my favorite... a plate with a half-eaten slice of toast from breakfast this morning. 

It's the day after Christmas.  Boxing Day.  The help has the day off... except I am the help.

On Christmas Eve we went to Midnight Mass, and got into bed by 2AM.  Then, yesterday, we had 10 people over for brunch.  So, in addition to the mess in the living room... there's also a stack of dishes as high as an elephant's eye (is that a prhase people use in real life?) and we did run the dishwasher yesterday.

But, today is a do-nothing kind of day in our house.  Which means that today I sit in the mess we made yesterday.  And that's ok.

Offer! 

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